10. Coach Jones/Carolina Panthers:
No stranger to controversy and random acts of chaos, Coach Jones’s version of The Decision caused a dramatic ripple in the NFTGL re-draft. By letting fate decide his next team, many believe that Chris Jones ended up with a team that would have been available in the basement of the draft. He inherits a squad that used to be considered one of the worst in not only the NFTGL, but the game of Tecmo Super Bowl III itself. The new Panthers coach has already acknowledged the mountain he will have to climb to match the expectations set by former coach Jordan Lutton. But really, he should not focus on the previous accomplishments of the past coach. Coach Jones showed marked improvement with his play calling and intensity through the first half of Season XI and was a legitimate playoff contender until his second half slump. He inherits one of the worst playbooks in the NFTGL and a roster that boasts only one transcendent player in Barry Foster. The 3-4 defense of this squad is stout in the middle and led by the better than advertised Bubba McDowell. The passing game is truly uninspired and the secondary has been known to allow talented receivers to take advantage of coverage and jumping catches. But this roster has been taken the distance before and with the new division set up, is there really a presence in the NFC Fluff to intimidate Coach Jones’s new squad? After winning the first ever ManBowl, quitting the league the following season, reapplying several seasons later, trading Barry Sanders for Emmitt Smith, the path that Chris Jones walks is shrouded in mystery and this writer would rather not try and predict what is in store for Jones’s next chapter.
9. Coach Hartley/San Francisco:
The newest member of the NFTGL retained his 49ers after getting to use them for his inaugural season. Though Coach Hartley had only participated in the NFTGL on an interim basis before, his second season greatly exceeded expectations. By beating Coaches Soffer and Summerfield in Season XI, the rookie showed the league that he will not be taken lightly (weight joke intended). In a division filled with nary a coach with a winning man record, can the 49ers make some noise in Hartley’s sophomore season? Certainly this roster justifies a run at the playoffs, Dave Brown or no. With players like Flipper Anderson, Tim McDonald, and Ronnie Lott, this team has the star potential to cause fits in the cream-filled NFC Fluff. The hermit-like coach has not been seen or heard from this off-season and one can expect that he will continue to fly under the radar leading up to Season XII. Should Coach Hartley strike fear into the hearts of his fellow Fluffians? Or will they take a look at his career average of 30 points allowed and scoff?
30 points/game allowed? How the fuck did he win two man games?!
8. Coach Smutnik/Atlanta Falcons:
Arguably the best team available in the NFTGL Season XII redraft fell to Coach Steve Smutnik. The Atlanta Falcons, at least on paper have the most fearsome and talent laden roster available. After his inaugural season, Smutnik had performed so badly (remember when I was able to run the score up on him? Ah memories) that he was given the first pick in free agency which of course, was Deion Sanders. We in the Man League believe in rewarding poor play…Over the next couple of seasons, Coach Smutnik progressed in his gameplay and but also displayed a great amount of luck through trades to bring in Stan Humphries to lead his offense and Thurman Thomas to be his primary receiving threat. In season X, the Rams were a star-studded team and Coach Smutnik played well enough to win it all against the Soffer-led Falcons and took home the title in one of the most lopsided ManBowls in history. And now the poor bastard has to use that same Falcons team. What misfortune!
What can we expect from the jovial leg slapping mountain of a man going into his sixth season? Well his stats outside of his Man Bowl victory leave no interpretation of greatness. Nor do the bone-headed plays that still plague the coach. You know, like failing to fair catch a punt in the endzone, only to get safety’d. Yeah, that still happens! During his playoff run in Season X, Coach Smutnik showed a manly desire to pound the rock over and over again even against goal line defenses. However, the man relied way too heavily upon the ability of Thurman Thomas to bail him out of sticky situations with jumping catches. Can Smutnik actually learn to cycle through his receivers and hit the open man? He doesn’t have the Lutton-led Panthers to beat up on anymore with Deion but the competition in the NFC Fluff has just gotten a hell of a lot easier (did I mention the misfortune?). Though the Falcons are a very good team, they do not allow the same kind of security that Smutnik had with the All-Star Rams roster: George is not as consistent as Humphries. Ironhead is nowhere near as versatile as the Russel/Bettis duo and Heyward cannot go up against goal line defenses in the same way. DJ Johnson and Jessie “Murder” Tuggle are a great defensive pairing but don’t hold a flame to the greatness of Deion. Hopefully these changes can inspire improvement from Coach Smutnik’s play but really, where this roster goes greatness SHOULD follow. Anything less will be a disappointment.
7. Coach Lutton the Senior/Tampa Bay:
Big ol’ BearJew shocked the world by taking the Creamsicle Dream Team second overall in the re-draft prior to Season XII.
Trading his entire team for Thomas Everett?
A Jew in Florida?! How unoriginal. Coach Lutton switches his usual position with Coach Pine in the always hard fought Battle of the Bays. Many would argue that the use of this team should vault the BearJew into playoff contention immediately. The excitement from Bucs camp this offseason is palpable as Coach Lutton nearly creamed himself when discussing the speed of Errict Rhett and the tenacity of El Dragon. Lutton inherits arguably the best playbook in the Man League, but can he hold a candle to the precision passing of the Bucs’ former coach? Can he will the hard-to-tackle Trent Dilfer to another ManBowl victoy? Can he stay afloat in a division filled with a combined 11 ManBowl titles; none of which belong to him? Questions abound for the sun-tanned bear, all black and brown, and covered with hair. Hopes are that the BearJew won’t fulfill the stereotype and retire early in the Sunshine State.
6. Coach Soffer/St. Louis Rams:
You know him by the wake of destruction he leaves behind as he approaches. A path riddled with slammed controllers, kicked bottles, and splinters from broken doors and their frames. Look out NFTGL, here comes…Dan Fucking Soffer.
He made the totally overwhelming and difficult decision to take the St. Louis Rams and remain in the NFC Fluff. Already crowned the division winner before even playing a game this season, we take a step back to really analyze the career arc of the impassioned and somewhat controversial coach. And just like a post from the man himself, this write-up will be long and detailed. You should probably grab a snack.
The former Falcons coach put together some impressive seasons with the Dirty Birds but seemed to come up short in some of the most bizarre and unimaginable ways possible whenever he reached the playoffs. If you ask Coach Soffer what the biggest reasons were for not winning a title with the Falcons, besides Troy Aikman’s hitting power, it would probably come down to the lack of an explosive run game and turnovers. So. Many. Turnovers. In the last eight seasons with Atlanta, Coach Soffer accumulated a staggering -34 turnover differential! -34! Coupled with the lack of speed at the running back position, it is hard to argue that Coach Soffer should have brought home at least one title. But when talking to other coaches around the league, one hears a different story. On paper a top ten roster, many coaches salivate when thinking about coaching the Falcons. If you asked any coach in the previous NFC Fluff who they feared to play the most, you would hear the name Dan Soffer (along with the sound of a door being broken in two). With his hyper-aggressive style of play on defense, no one wanted to sit down to play him; even with his 38% man-game win percentage…
Going forward (you should have grabbed a snack), what can we expect from Coach Soffer? Is he a good coach who has had an unimaginable amount of bad luck? Or is he an average coach who simply could not overcome the obstacles in front of him with an (apparently) controversial former team? If he had a list of 99 problems, ball control is still one of them. Russell and Bettis are explosive for sure but do not inspire confidence when it comes to holding onto the rock. If this duo of runners puts the ball on the ground expect blood, hide your kids, and hide your wife. And what about his patented aggressive style of linebacker play? Though Shane Conlan is a good backer, he is no Jessie Tuggle. Will Coach Soffer be able to make do with the uninspiring and unintimidating triumvirate of defensive-backs in Lyght, Parker, and Newman? Though this roster is highly upgradeable (I am contractually obligated by the league to say, “Fuck you Steve” at this point in time), Coach Soffer may find that he misses his days with the Dirty Birds if he cannot dominate his division the way that everyone expects.
5. Coach Fonovic/Minnesota Vikings
There is a legend of a man who transcends emotion, religion, morality, and any sort of physical exertion. A man who grows a beard with which to store food, a belly to balance beverages; a man who emanates a perpetual aura of glorious indifference. A man so apathetic that he stares down the harsh, bloody, and brutal realities of life and dares to say…”Meh.”
Of course, I speak of the People’s Champ; Coach Luis Fonovic.
There is a cult following among avid NFTGL fans (they exist?) and streaming viewers (holy shit, they do exist!) that have anointed the beady eyed, black hole of uncaring nothingness that is Fonovic, the People’s Champion. Coach Fonovic inherits a mighty passing attack led by the esteemed Warren Moon. Everyone knows that Fonzi likes to pass the ball and to pass it deep. After all, who can forget the quack heard round the world in the archived ManBowl 3? With weapons like Jake Reed and Cris Carter, we may see the most prolific passing attack in NFTGL history with Fonovic at the helm. Hell, even Coach Summerfield was able to average 145 passing yards a game with this offense, and he sucks…statistically speaking of course; I hear he is quite the fine fellow. But with a below average running back and a solid but not spectacular defense, can Coach Fonovic keep his uninterrupted playoff streak alive? Or will the coach who claims that, “Practice is for pussies” finally miss the big dance in the suddenly superiorer (it's sticking) NFC Superior? One thing is for certain; our legend will continue his reign of not giving a single fuck. Hell, this preview is probably too damn long for him to even read.
4. Coach Summerfield/New Orleans Saints:
What? You wanted more? Doesn’t that sum up the essence of that gas filled bag of excrement for you? Really, he is a good guy and all but he is the foulest smelling thing in existence during NFTGL weekend. He even offends Fonovic with his stench! And Lou has no fucking capacity for emotion! No? I really have to do a write-up? Christ…
Reports out of the Bayou recently have been both interesting and alarming. Some sources claim that Coach Summerfield has played through upwards of 25 seasons with his new squad, the Saints. Not only that, but in a freak accident Summerfield has damaged his left playing hand. Anonymous sources close to the situation claim that he tried performing “the stranger” on himself but crushed his wrist under his own mass. A built-in excuse for failure in Season XII? I’ll buy stock in that.
Throughout his career in Minnesota, Summerfield begged the Tecmo Gods to grant him a good running back to use so that he could play like a real man. To compensate, he threw downfield over and over again with statistical success but nothing to show for it in terms of playoff victories or ManBowl titles. With his passing attack, he made Coach Jarrad Lutton so angry that the ticked-off Jew started to throw around the idea of banning the throwing of ducks! So what did he do in the redraft when he could have selected teams that had Ironhead Heyward, the duo of Russell and Bettis, or the legendary Barry Sanders? He took one look at the strategy implemented by Coach Bordier’s Saints, got a hard-on and said, “sign me up for that shit!” What’s better than a real running game? Apparently it is the combo of Jim Everett and Michael Haynes! A source close to the coach recently stated that Summerfield had spent an inordinate amount of time practicing his deep throws to Michael Haynes…
**DISCLAIMER** It is at this point that we would like to inform you that the original writer of this article blew his brains out during the typing of this preview. According to friends and family of the deceased, the writer could not stand the thought of any more jumping catches by Michael Haynes and he took his own life to forego writing the rest of this article. Sorry for the inconvenience. -Management
3. Coach Pine/Green Bay Packers:
That is the man-game win percentage of Coach Raymond Pine’s career as an NFTGL founder, commissioner, competitor, and champion. The grizzled and afro’d veteran came out of the womb holding an SNES paddle, rapidly pressing the buttons to cycle through receivers with speed and accuracy. This writer finds that to be odd considering Coach Pine’s age (he’s old). This leads me to believe that he is some sort of time traveling freak who has been sent here to inspire fear and helplessness into the hearts and minds of his NFTGL opponents. That is, until the playoffs…
Though Coach Pine, now with the Packers (he gave up using Mark Carrier?!...I fucking know right?!), has a stunning overall win %, his playoff stats really leave something to be desired. Dominating the competition throughout the regular season, this palm tree of a man is *only* 9-9 in the playoffs. Though only three other coaches have a better playoff record (Coaches Bordier, this cunning linguist, and Deion controlled Smutnik), one really wonders why Coach Pine disappears in the games that really matter the most. But let’s look at this on a deeper, more sexually involved level. Ray Ray, as he is affectionately known by weird backpack enthusiasts, has been to seven ManBowls and has won only two. So really, his playoff/non-ManBowl record is 7-4. That’s not bad and we can safely assume that he is a legitimate threat to compete for the title year in and year out. But after competing, nay, DOMINATING for eleven seasons, putting up the best record, and winning his division nine out of eleven times, why has this coach not won more often in the playoffs and ManBowl? What is the explanation for this you say? Injuries? Turnovers? Gun control?!
Nay my avid readers, look no further than the level of competition that he has been matched up against. Come playoff time, he doesn’t get to beat up on the meager morsels that used to comprise the NFC Superior. He has to play the Bordiers and the Luttons (just this one really) instead of the Joneses, Summerfields, and other, more fluffy Luttonses. Truly, the only other competitor for his NFC Superior Crown came in the heartless void known as Fonovic. And though Coach Fonovic is a top four coach in this league, Pine has owned him time and time again. So what does the future hold for Coach Pine? He would always boast of the feats he could accomplish if partnered up with players like Mark Carrier and Donnell Woolford. But alas, he passed up defensive prowess for the opportunity to use, no offense to Trent Dilfer here, a real fucking quarterback! Here is a fact with no empirical data to back it up; Coach Pine is the best passer in this league and he just grabbed the keys to the Brett Favre mobile. Dick picks or no, this passing offense in Green Bay will be gratuitous, vulgar, and obscene. But can we expect the same level of regular season dominance with the new additions to the now NFC Superiorer? Only one thing can truly be anticipated from Coach Pine…short shorts and bulge all up in your grill.
2. Coach Lutton/Detroit Lions:
Where do all of the frills go in a league that seeks to banish them? Right here.
Coach Lutton the younger has been known to put up quite the bitchy word storm about the imperfections of the game of TSB3 and the methods of other coaches in the NFTGL. Through seeking to perfect his game and to achieve the peak of what he deems to be manly play; Coach Lutton has created quite an elitist point of view when it comes to how the game “should be played.” Now that the league has redrafted, Lutton has vowed to refocus his efforts and to handle the game of TSB3 with a newfound calm. Will this work?...probably not.
Going back to his roots, Lutton chose the Detroit Lions 8th in the redraft. He immediately exclaimed that the league would have to pry this team from him if he had to leave again. Some fabled information from the annals of the original, archived seasons of the NFTGL for you. Back before there was recording, streaming, or even a glorious belt forged from the Tecmo Gods (read as: an engineer we gave money to), Coach Lutton was not even of legal drinking age and picked up the paddle to participate in a league that was in its infancy. The embryo of a league that would eventually bloom into the manliest thing ever played for three minute quarters (stupid yet so amazing) and Lutton got to coach the Detroit Lions with the electrifying Barry Sanders. However, in archived Season II, the defending ManBowl champion Chris Jones suddenly quit the league (chaos incarnate I tell you) and in an effort to balance the divisions, Coach Lutton left the Lions and inherited the Panthers in a coin flip. That singular decision changed the entire course of the Man League. If Chris Jones had never left, the Lions would have been known as Lutton’s team instead of the Panthers. Would he have had as much success with the Lions? After a couple seasons off Coach Jones rejoined the league and took over the vacant Lions. As fate would have it, during Jones’s very un-Bron-like decision in the Season XII redraft, he was gifted(?) the Panthers. The careers of these two coaches are linked by one ancient and unmanly decision.
In Season XI, when Coach Lutton wasn’t verbally berating his opponents for throwing bombs into coverage, he was rushing for over 1,000 yards in man games alone with the just-acquired Barry Sanders. But if Barry goes down on the Lions squad as he is wont to do, what can we expect? Early camp reports had Coach Lutton stomping just to bring in any able-bodied arm off the street to replace Scott Mitchell. Coupled with one of, if not the worst backup running backs in the league, this Lions offense could sputter big time. Most of Jr. Jew’s NFTGL career is marred with inconsistent play and seasons filled with peaks and valleys. But after spending the offseason boasting about his love for this roster, Coach Lutton will have no excuses if he doesn’t win big.
1. Coach Bordier/Chicago Bears:
Crickets…that’s the sound that Ray Bordier heard after winning ManBowl XI.
Silence can sometimes ring with a profound loudness. That kind of silence followed a somewhat controversial and exhausting playoffs and prompted Coach Bordier to quit the league, albeit for a brief period of time. (Read as: He pulled a Soffer).
Either way, you know him as the most successful coach in the NFTGL. You know him by the shit he talks when the paddle is in his hand. You know him as the heel; a role he both relishes and despises. You know him as the most motivated, belt-hungry coach in the league who will celebrate every touchdown as if it were an orgasm. You know him by the belligerent screaming in your ear during the game. You know him by his sexy goatee. You know him as Ray Bordier, our defending champion and truly, the new monster of the midway.
Coach Bordier inherited the Chicago Bears with the final pick in the redraft and this should be a concern for the other NFTGL coaches. During the last two seasons in New Orleans, SANS Eric Allen, Bordier put together top 3 and top 4 defensive units with smoke, mirrors, and eleven lukewarm bodies. Now he gets to use Mark Carrier and Donnell Woolford. Have you pissed yourself yet? No? Oh I see. It’s probably because you aren’t worried about his offense right? Maybe you have forgotten about the destructive ways of Curtis Conway and his jumping catches. Or maybe you didn’t realize that Rashaan Salaam is a vast upgrade over Lorenzo Neal. Reports out of camp were not exciting as Coach Bordier did not seem too thrilled with his new roster and has not boasted the same obnoxious confidence and trash talk that we are used to experiencing in the weeks leading up to the season. Perhaps the events of Season XI changed this man. Perhaps he is more humble and has learned the value of a term that foreigners outside of the USA must have coined; sportsmanship. In Chicago, winter is always coming. Coach Bordier will have to get used to the cold and he is surely hoping that if he wins it all again this year, that his reception will be a little less frosty.