10) Coach Christopher Jones – Carolina Panthers
I could talk to you about stats. I could share the historical weight of what the Panthers did, or failed to do, in Season 12. But I don’t want you to feel the need to gauge your eyes out…because it’s not good, really, don’t look the stats up.
Instead, let’s talk about the mentality of Coach Jones after one year in Tecmo hell (read as: Carolina). After his season opening loss to the Hartley-led Niners, Jones clearly went into the tank. You could not only see, but taste the devastation in the air; it was almost as palpable as the shit that leaks out of Bill’s ass. After losing Reich and Foster for intermittent parts of a lost season, Coach Jones “earned” the first overall pick in free agency. Surely this would be a great opportunity to reload and rebuild! He selected…Charlie Garner! Wait. What the fuck? Well, he did trade for Vinnie Clark to bolster one of the worst defensive back fields in the NFTGL…so we can call it a draw, sort of.
Really what this team needs is Viagra, or Cialis. Seriously. Maybe an exciting, raging hard-on is what this team needs. After spending the entirety of Season 12 down in the dumps, some allocated blood flow could make Jones care about playing again and to get his head in the game. Does he regret rolling for his team during the Season 11 re-draft? It’s hard to know what goes on in that head; he keeps it covered with a Coys hat. Yeah, I don’t know what the fucking Coys are either. But instead of hearing the echoes of that fateful die roll in his ear, he needs to open his mind to the immortal words of Sam Mills.
9) Coach Greg Hartley – San Francisco 49ers
You know, there are times when it really gets hard to sort through the steaming pile that makes up the lower echelon of NFTGL players. I had to sit for quite some time to figure out who deserved the ninth spot of this ranking list. The two teams in my sights; the Niners and the Falcons. On paper, both teams should be near the top of the rankings year in and year out. But they aren’t. And it is my job to spin some sort of positive, hopeful, bullshit to appease these masses; like a goddamn Sorcerer weaving spells. Sigh.
I ended up giving the ninth spot to Coach Hartley’s Niners. He came so close to being higher too. After all, in his third season in NFTGL action he actually won three games! From zero wins, to two, to three. That’s an upward trend y’all. The numbers don’t look good. The mental mistakes keep popping up. But goddamnit Hartley at least swept the hapless Panthers and split with the underachieving Dirty Birds. But I want to harken you back to a Week 11 game, where Greg would have to face the rising star from St. Louis. Surely, a chance to prove that he has learned and grown as a player! And the Dan led Rams dropped 72 points en route to a shutout. A fucking 72 burger. The single worst loss in NFTGL history. What the hell Greg? Coach Pine is still seething about the shattering of his precious records.
Coach Hartley traded for MD Perry (a boon) and Rodney Peete (a swoon) before bowing out of free agency. Yeah that’s right; he decided not to add anyone else to this roster because clearly he is ready to compete for a belt right now. Who needs great value guys like Toi Cook, Dennis Smith, Guy McIntyre, Tim Harris, or Wilbur Marshall? Surely not Coach Hartley! And I’m sure all of that hard time spent practicing this off-season will really prove me wrong. Look out NFTGL!
8) Coach Steve Smutnik – Atlanta Falcons
Well that didn’t take long. Coach Smutnik really fell back to earth after losing the big boy keys to Deion Sanders. So instead of using his old super team in St. Louis, Steve got to try his hand at, wait for it…the best statistical team in the NFTGL! Surely we should have expected greatness and a playoff berth from a former ManBowl champion and promising protégé…Oh how we were so wrong.
Leg slap Smutnik put up his worst statistical season in a long time and the lack of superstars at every damn position really hurt him. Go figure right? Ironhead only had 20.2 yards per game and the Dirty Birds offense became severely one dimensional. Defensively, Smutty gave up the most points since his inaugural season. Times are hard when you go from using a great team, to a really good one. Hashtag first world problems? Did I do that right?
Well, Smutnik traded DJ Johnson for James Hasty and added Wilbur Marshall to an already stacked linebacker corp. Maybe he hopes to switch back to goal line defense in order to relive his glory days. Are good times ahead? Will he use Hasty as a springboard for Terry McDaniel or Aenaes Williams? One of these is likely. I’ll let you determine which. Let’s see if he can sweep Greg this year…
7) Coach Luis Fonovic – Minnesota Vikings
MOTHER FUCKING BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! How does your face feel? Did I melt it? Bet you didn’t see this tasty piece of controversial goodness coming your way. I know what you are doing right now. You are checking previous rankings to see if I just rated the Dragon behind the Hairy Jew. Well guess what true believers; it happened. I bet you have a million arguments right now as to how preposterous this seems. Well behold this field of fucks that I have cultivated…for it is barren!
Missed the playoffs for the first time ever. Lost to Jarrad for the first time ever. Sure, a flash in the pan right? Clearly this is just an outlier season and the Fonz is bound to bounce back right? Well let’s look at the pudding, for therein lies the proof. Last season, Lou couldn’t rush even if he wanted to as he averaged 23 yards per game; his lowest total ever. But hey, he never likes to run anyway. That guy is clearly an air it out type of coach and now he gets to use the Tecmo legend himself, Randall W. Cunningham. Again, did you see the field I cultivated? LOOK AT IT! If you can’t get it done with Warren Moon, then I don’t care who your quarterback is. Shall we talk about defense?! Not even Coach Summerfield played defense this poorly when he was coaching this squad. His total points against and points against per game were worse than in *any* Summerfield season.
This beautiful, soul-less vessel of a being is truly a wild card heading into Season 13. Is it possible he proves me wrong and blows up with Randall? Or is it more likely that the one league veteran who refuses to practice keeps slowly sliding into irrelevance while competitors who devote real time and effort blow past him? I’m with the latter.
TL;DR away ‘People’s Champ.’
He lost to Steve for the first time last season too! AmazeBalls!
6) Coach Jarrad Dev Lutton – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I’m going to regret this aren’t I? It’s definitely way too early to put a coach like this guy above a hardened and grizzled veteran like Luis ‘No Soul’ Fonovic. I probably just put way too much pressure on my brother and this is going to be like Season 9’s Cetera Bowl all over again. Deep breaths. OK. Here is what needs to happen. Jarrad needs to not only assert himself over Lou, but he actually needs to steal a game or two from the big three in his division. That means finally beating opponents where he historically has a record of 6-35-3. Alright, this isn’t a reassuring start. Let’s take a look at the good news…
First, Coach Lutton gets to play Greg and Steve this season; two of only three coaches he has a winning record against. That’s a start right? What’s more, he gets to play them early on in Weeks 5 and 8 (respectively). What we know more than anything about this coach is that if he gets off to a bad start in a season, he becomes a mopey sop who goes into the tank and practices trade testing for the next thirty hours when he isn’t having cyber elf sex in World of Warcraft. So this easy start should be invigorating! Woo! Yeah! Let’s get excited. Secondly…Seth Joyner. Throughout his coaching career, guys like Kevin Smith, James Hasty, and Henry Jones were just not good enough goddamnit! Bums, the lot of them. Surely if there were ever a time for a defensive revival, it would stem from the godly hands of Seth Joyner. And lastly, this guy actually cares to practice and get better! He is getting advice (whether he takes it remains to be seen) and scrimmaging with some of the most successful coaches in the league. That has got to count for something!
Can I just end the article here and not bring up the bad news? Well fuck, let’s take a deep breath again. I mentioned that he gets to play Coach Lutton the younger, and ‘The Rays’ six times a year. So basically, to make the playoffs, he needs to win all ten other games and somehow steal a victory against the triumvirate of doom…and he gets to do this coming off of the heels of, seemingly, the worst statistical season in his career (uh oh). He scored his lowest points per game last season (umm) while also allowing more total points than ever (oh man). Dear Christ! He also had one of his worst rushing seasons ever and he led seemingly one of the least explosive offenses in the league! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?
I mean, you totally got this big guy…zero pressure here.
I’m just going to get a hat ready.
5) Coach Dan Soffer – St. Louis Rams
There is an imposter in our midst. He walks among us, but he is not one of us. Where the hell did this crazy cat come from and where is our not-so-fun-loving, explosive, recycle hating, pal known as Dan Soffer? How can we go a whole season without a paddle throw, wall kick, or box stomping blow up? I feel jipped damnit! Either Dan Soffer somehow went zen master on us or we need to put his mug on a damn milk carton because a doppelganger has infiltrated the NFTGL.
Whoever this new Rams coach is, he set the NFTGL world ablaze last season and no one saw it coming. Let me rephrase that. We all thought that the Rams or Saints would dominate the NFC Fluff (and both delivered), but NO ONE predicted what would transpire in Season 12. On his way to the number one seed in the playoffs, Coach Soffer blew up the competition and he is STILL running the damn score up on Hartley. Check these stats out. 27.5 pts/game and only 10.9 pts allowed/game (the second highest differential in man games ever; the first belonging to the Season 7 winning Coach Jordan Lutton…and yes that was a shameless plug for myself. Love me!). A +8 Turnover margin, the highest of his career by far. An unheard of 18.2 rush yards allowed/game! That last stat is historic by the way; a new goddamn record. Sure the Rams may play in the weaker of two divisions, but what validated their success was a Week 4 win over the eventual Man Bowl winning Packers. And he did all of this while playing goal line using Todd freaking Lyght. Wow.
So a new contender has emerged right? Surely our expectations are sky high for the Rams and anything less than a ManBowl victory within the next five seasons would be a disappointment; especially now that they have the vaunted Man League veteran, Stan Humphries. So why don’t I have them ranked higher? Well I wanted to, truly. But Coach Soffer needs to show that this season wasn’t a flash in the pan. The playoffs aren’t a question anymore. The Rams will either win the division or be a wild card team year in and year out, guaranteed. What matters now is what Coach Soffer can muster against the Bordiers and the Pines of the world when the games really matter. And until this coach can prove that his pre-Season 12 man game winning percentage of 38% days are behind him, I will remain cautiously optimistic.
4) Coach Jordan Lutton – Detroit Lions
What have you done for me lately? That question must surely be ringing in Coach Lutton the younger’s ears. After seasons 7 and 8, it looked as if a dynasty was forming and that Lutton would be a perennial ManBowl competitor. But in four seasons, hopes have fallen short and past triumphs have faded into the background. Make no mistake; this Lions squad is ready for a championship. Hell, it was ready last year and now the additions of Carnell Lake and Dante Jones have expectations sky-rocketing. In the hands of one of the top two competitors in NFTGL annals, this roster would be ManBowl bound year in and year out.
So really, what has stopped Coach Lutton from succeeding? Truly, he is in a class of his own…and that may not be a great accomplishment. The NFTGL is exceedingly top heavy where the Rays dominate ManBowl appearances year after year. Statistically, Jordan falls into the role of the awkward third wheel; having the third highest winning man percentage and tied for the third most ManBowl appearances. The stats look good, the roster is there (though let’s not mention Scott Mitchell…it hurts too much), and the talent is apparent. Maybe it has to do with playing the Saints so often? Eric Allen, Michael Haynes, and Jim Everett have historically given this coach fits. In seasons 8, 11, and 12, Coach Lutton has been defeated in the postseason by New Orleans. Literally, every time Lutton has made the playoffs since the reboot in Season 7, he has either had to defeat the Saints to win it all, or bowed out at their hands. Season 12’s playoff loss to the Saints and near epic comeback (DAMN YOU SCOTT MITCHELL) will surely haunt this coach’s mind forever…or at least until he wins the belt once more.
Looking at the stats may not be enough to figure this coach and team out. It is hard to factor in the mentality, stability, and confidence of a coach when pouring over the numbers. But when you look at the stats Lutton put up in each of his three ManBowl winning seasons, you see absolute dominance and brilliance. Winning a championship takes a great deal of skill as well as luck. Many coaches feel that the mental energy and concentration poured into each season helps separate the contenders from the pretenders. Can Coach Lutton capture that fierce lightning in a bottle once again? Are his seasons doomed to be a continued struggle of boom and bust? Expectations remain as high as ever and this ranking *should* be higher. Time to nut up.
3) Coach Bill Summerfield – New Orleans Saints
This combination of coach and team is perfect for each other. If there were ever a team-up that could come close to the Bordier led Saints, this would be it. Coach Summerfield clearly relishes the role of the heel and this bullying roster caters to that with ease. Already spending the offseason talking the most smack out of any NFTGL coach, Billy Boy is ready to permanently reserve his seat at the big boy table.
There is room for skepticism about this ranking. After all, Summerfield has never sustained continued success in the NFTGL and has shown no propensity for running the ball or playing excellent defense when he was with Minnesota. 37.4 rushing yards/game in his inaugural season with Nola shows that his offensive game is still severely one-dimensional. However, on defense, the ability to use Eric Allen caused Sumemrfield’s defensive stats to soar as he put up the best OP/game of his career while also establishing personal bests for OP total yards and total points allowed. So is that all there is to see here? Is it like giving Deion Sanders to a new and below average player only to see them instantly become a contender (take that Steve)? Or have we seen enough legitimate growth in the play of Bill to make us think that all eighty-five thousand hours of off-season practice (and masturbation...that dude is always talking about erections) have turned this boy into a real man? Can he do more than just drop back and throw to Haynes on offense while allowing Allen to wreak havoc on opposing quarterbacks on defense?
If this past season is any indication, the Saints will be adding a little more flair and diversity to what they do on offense; and that has this writer thoroughly impressed.Utilizing Brad Muster and Irv Smith more often in the passing game caused fits for other man teams last season. Those days of just doing everything possible to get the ball to Haynes may be over as Coach Summerfield seeks to terrorize opponents by actually utilizing an all-encompassing passing attack. It wouldn’t be a shock to see this roster completely take over the NFC Fluff (no insult to the Rams) and to start collecting postseason wins. Five more seasons until the next reboot. That is plenty of time for Piggy Billy to hold up the belt that he so desperately craves. But, that is also plenty of time to collapse under the weight of oppressive expectations.
As always…Fuck Bill!
2) Coach Ray Bordier– Chicago Bears
What is parity? It sounds like a word a Frenchman would use. I sure as hell don’t know what it is and parity definitely doesn’t have a place in the NFTGL. It certainly isn’t in the vocabulary of Coach Raymond “Big Sexy” Bordier either. He has never missed the playoffs and has appeared in a whopping nine ManBowls while winning four (the most by the way). New team, same story; it just wouldn’t be a ManBowl without his sly asshole grin appearing in all those videos our fans love to watch. So why even bother doing this write-up? You know Season 13 will yield another ManBowl appearance. It’s like Groundhog Day up in this bitch…Fiiiiiiiiine you clamorous, never satisfied leeches. I’ll break down some stats and add some non-existent intrigue that won’t matter come next weekend. *yawn*
This team should not have been in the playoffs last season. We’ve all said it and now it’s out there in writing. The man goes 6-5 in man games and puts up the single worst offensive season of his career. Did you see what he looked like after dropping a game to Minnesota? Holy despondent Batman! Did you see that train wreck of an offense? Walsh and Kramer looked inept at all times throwing to anyone not streaking in a straight line down the field…only to get a cheap catch in coverage (you watched the ManBowl right?). And even then it looked bad. Besides the divisional playoff game against the Rams, this team couldn’t muster much of a running game as Mr. Bordier had his second lowest rushing output in twelve seasons. So besides NO ONE ELSE IN THE LEAGUE STEPPING UP TO TAKE HIS PLAYOFF SPOT…what kept this coach in it? The answer is defense. Fantastic, purely sexual, face stomping, defense. A plus twelve turnover differential and the overall best defensive season of Bordier’s career. With the esteemed and unfairly god-like duo of Mark Carrier and Donnell Woolford, the Bears helped their coach put up his second best points allowed and career best total yards allowed. Fearsome in every way imaginable; even if the other nine guys on the field blow.
So Da Bears were fortunate enough to trade Kramer for Steve Backup Bono. It is almost a virtual lock that the passing offense is greatly improved going into Season 13 and that this team connects on deep balls at a much higher rate; which will have their coach looking a lot less pissed off anytime a deep ball isn’t caught by Timpson or Conway…a total surprise, I know (but really though, you watched the ManBowl right?). Go back and look at every failed deep bomb; it’s hysterical. If the way that game ended isn’t the purest form of poetry, I don’t know what is. Anyway, getting Bono is a boon and one should expect a big increase in offensive productivity. The defense will continue to live up to the Monsters of the Midway nickname and Mr. Bordier will likely find himself in the title game for the umpteenth time. Next year he will rank either one or two again in the power rankings.
1) Coach Ray Ray Pine – Green Bay Packers
So we come to it at last, the end of our Season 13 power rankings. I know that it seems obvious to rank the defending champion at the top of the list, but I really tried to figure out a way to drop him a spot or two. I try to be as impartial as possible when doing these rankings and to evaluate every team fairly while purposefully insulting each coach. Of course I wanted the opportunity to knock the Packers down a peg but it is our own fault that he remains the number one contender heading into the thirteenth glorious installment of the NFTGL…more on that in a bit.
This obnoxious, booty shorts wearing, crotch flaunting assclown terrorizes the league year in and year out; with a paddle in his hands and a sarcastic retort, that no one but he will laugh at, spewing from his mouth. He shakes his exposed, pasty white thighs at his opponents while belittling them in the hopes that they cry and quit the league (none of that is exaggerated in the slightest…right Greg?). And for the third time in his career, he backs all of it up by fundamentally outplaying the rest of the league. Joining only Coaches Jordan Lutton and Raymond Bordier as three time ManBowl winners, Coach Pine’s third supreme and ultimate victory should surely be remembered as his greatest accomplishment. Make no mistake about it, this Packers roster by itself is nowhere near worthy of the top spot. There are holes galore up and down the roster and they were the ninth team out of ten taken in the re-draft. But give Pine a superstar quarterback as well as an adequate defensive back (let’s be real, Butler is good but he really isn’t THAT good) and devastation will ensue. Remember all of those seasons when he was saddled with the steaming pile of mediocrity that is Trent Dilfer? I miss those times man!
Now that we have the praise out of the way, let’s look at some *potential* pitfalls for the coach considered to be the best in the league. Somehow, this Sideshow Bob looking m’fer won eleven of twelve man games after having one of the worst statistical seasons in his career. Remember when I said Leroy Butler wasn’t that good? Coach Pine gave up a career worst 183 points allowed. It was his third worst pass defense season and his second worst season at stopping the run. He had a -3 turnover margin and his worst point differential since the league reformed in Season 7. It wasn’t even like the offense bailed him out! Coach Pine had the worst rushing stats of his entire career and though one would expect Favre to make up for the dearth in ground production; this was not even Ray’s best statistical passing season. What am I missing here? This is a weak overall roster that could not make any successful trades this past offseason either, only adding free agents DL Tim Harris (solid) and CB Bruce Pickens (junk but somehow an upgrade) to the squad. Statistically speaking, Season 12 was not Coach Pine’s finest outing and the rest of the league, especially his division, let him off the hook. Not to take away from a hell of an accomplishment for the NFTGL’s finest…but the rest of the Man League needs to step up and stop getting psyched out by those damn short shorts. It’s almost like he’s wearing nothing at all…nothing at all…NOTHING AT ALL!
Stupid sexy Flanders.